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Friday, June 1, 2012

Have you ever wondered what it took to be so low that one would commit suicide? How about those who have had it so bad, and seemingly, sudden good will comes to them, and STILL: they commit suicide...

Or, have you ever wondered how people who have had a very DIFFICULT journey in life manage to remain, WITHOUT taking their life from us?

My mother told me as a child I was too curious for my own good. I asked a trillion questions, and constantly had a new question every little while to baffle, distress, exhaust, even tickle my mother to no end....I was always curious-- I still am...

I've had some wonderful times in my life. I've also had some excruciating times in my life. I've been told I was a very positive person, a very negative person, a very interesting person, or simply unimportant...YES! I've been told all of these things... and all this contradiction has made me baffled about humanity? None of these things were said to me simply once or twice, but indicated to me through many different way; in some ways assaults, in other ways, seductions, in other ways still, kindness....all very confusing, especially when you are still a child...

I've been made to feel that I was so special it would be a crime to tell me I wasn't. I've been made to feel so horrific about myself, I could swear I wouldn't make it through another day. Here is life.

I think the one question I did not start to ask was the one I didn't ask because it did not come to mind until I was me now, and very weary of the ups and downs of life, and wondering if I could ever cause any pain to myself by disappearing somehow... Naturally, when you have family, you don't really want to hurt them. Most pain one feels is in the past, while sometimes pain in the present only reminds us of pains in the past...

But then I wondered and here was the question: does EVERYONE go through a moment of decision, of whether or not to make it or die? Of going through with their journey, or simply turning onto a different road and never looking back, no matter how many may or may not care? Does EVERYONE go through this?

I have another problem my mother told me. I am too direct, and there are no filters with me. I never could "pretend" for the sake of convention or politics, which is why I was never very good at it. I am direct because I need to know the truth about how people feel, and why they do what they do, or say what they say, then do something different from what they say. I like to understand how people define their ways of being and why. Is EVERYONE as inquisitive as I am really, only they just do not admit it? Why can't I fit into that mold my mother said everyone was fine inside, while I had to wiggle about and try and reshape things to meet my understanding?

I write. I write, but I don't try to publish anything, don't ask me why about that one. I think because I have thoughts in everything that is so deep it would wound to have some other person (supposedly an "expert") say: "sorry, this isn't what we want," or "sorry, not what we need these days" or "thanks, but no thanks."

What I write, I go over many times, sure. I edit, but I don't mean that way. I go over many times wondering if I have changed my view on certain matters of the heart or mind. I go over my own writing and compare it to other authors of which I have read. I go over my own things and wonder about what I was going through at that time. Mostly my poetry makes me wonder. My stories are a bit different. My stories remind me of some grand philosophical idea I may have had at the time. Although most peoples' stories have so many multi-layered ideas and examples of life, I too have this, and so my work (to ME) is valuable.

For many years I had wanted to share my thoughts and ideas. I have begun to feel it isn't quite as important as I used to think. But is this wrong? Perhaps why many people (especially young people) choose suicide, is that they believe they have nothing to offer in a way that seems beneficial to others. I have felt that too, of late. And then I asked myself: is this the sign of one's willingness to check out early? If it is, there must also be a way to stop from leaving, there has do be a way.

One of my stories, which will be a series of novels eventually, is about just that kind of person. Someone who goes through life wondering about others, and wondering about the validity of their own contributions in life--whether or not they should hang on, or check out...all through life. It is a heavy load for many, especially young people--to feel such angst and not know that there are others like them that feel the same.

Sometimes, I think, those who check out never did get any indication that others were like them, or perhaps they did not know how to find out. This is why I think my novel is important, and why I may just do it this time: take rejection in order to share something valuable with others who may be like me, but don't thing anyone else in the world is like them. It is a hard thing to put one's self out there, but those who did before, well....I am glad I know about them....through their writing.

It's time to stop this thinking for now, until I can write some more, and resolve the issues I think may come from much of the process of giving in or up, or going on, or whatever one thinks about.

I think about joy and love, and I feel better, I see in my head the issues that hurt and I feel bad. This tells us something. When we write it out, we see it on paper (or screen whatever...) and we consider the reasoning of the "writer" who we are reading. We are examining the process of thoughts that go beyond what we see a person as, in a shallow sense; a book's cover, per se...

READ writers of all origins and ideas, and try not to "follow" them, but examine their reasoning, then consider their lives. There is so much yet to learn....

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