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and Sudden Regret (2)
It's taken me quite some time to get to this measly 2nd essay from "Non-Essential Memories and Regret" series. I think it is basically because I have a hard time conjuring up what I hate to remember, and what I regret.
Nonetheless, I am here to regurgitate one of those painful meals of life memories.
After having gotten pregnant, having my daughter, and then having a son thereafter, I regret that I did not have the strength of character, the gumption, the wherewithal, to remain married to this young man. Not that I loved him, I didn't even know what love was! But had I stuck it out and raised my two children with him, I am sure my two children would not have suffered so in their own lives, and I am sure I would have grown to love him, and honestly, as I once said to my sister (who laughed good and hard) "if you really want to, you can love anybody." I still believe that. But, that concept is for another essay.
Contrary to contemporary conventions in America, I have learned the hard way, which has helped me do better later, but not in this marriage, and not with these children. For that, I am sorry. I don't care WHAT anyone says, children always fair better when they keep their original parents--unless they are being beaten regularly and death is quickly coming--but for the parents not having the financial standing they want, or not having the best or experienced sexual satisfaction, or not communicating thoroughly (for heaven's sake, who would be lucky enough, even, to get ANY man at 17 to communicate properly!), or just not liking odd things about each other, like one's voice, or walk, or laugh, or any of the stupid things we use as an excuse for not being able to deal with being married so young; when we're young and inexperienced, and STUPID--you fight for stupid reasons, and pride makes you not want to apologize for your stupid behavior. All that dies when you grow up, experience a bit of pain and reality, and realize that everyone is having a tough time, not just YOU.
That was me. I was STUPID. First of all, I should not have gotten pregnant, but it doesn't fix things to abort it, and have the mother later on in life, regret that! And she will believe me. If she doesn't she has STILL not grown up enough to regret anything. But besides wishing I had not gotten pregnant, I wish I had been mature enough to think about my children instead of my personal pleasures and comforts. I wish I had centered my attention on raising them properly, giving them the right help with homework, giving them a boost in schools, sports, time and attention just to talk and discuss THEIR growing up needs. Instead, I divorced my young husband because I wanted a career, and there began all the years of my working, and my children being abused while I worked. No one likes to admit this, but how the hell else will anything EVER change? Mothers go to work, and spend most their lives away from their little children, leaving them unprotected eight to twelve hours a day, or with some relative or stranger, whose brain is sick, but who knows these things? Only the people that spend evil thoughts seeing that they have the ability to prey on children who are defenseless.
You can never gauge what might happen to your children, even when you think you're leaving them in the best of care. Something can always go wrong. They will never forget that you were not there, even if they never admit it to you. They will always have trust issues because of that. And it was all because I needed to be free, spread my wings, and fly higher... Why couldn't I wait until my children were old enough to know how to protect themselves? But, we don't usually think maturely at 17 years of age. As they say: babies taking care of babies...
So now, I must remember the past with terrible regret, even though after that, I was given another chance at the same situation. We'll get to that in time.